Freaky Flashback Friday

The late-nighters are still on hiatus due to the writers strike, so C&J reaches into the archives to find out what the punchlines were a dozen years ago in June of 2011. Some themes may sound slightly familiar…

“We have got to get our financial house in order, folks. But the Chicken-Little Democrats are so worried the U.S. will default on its loans that they want to raise the U.S. debt ceiling. Come on! We already raised the debt ceiling under President Bush! That is so 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, and twice in 2008!”
—Stephen Colbert

“The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.”
—Conan O’Brien

Continued…

You are now below the fold. Help yourself to a chocolate-covered indictment!

Clip of Wolf Blitzer: [House majority leader Eric Cantor] wants there to be cuts in other federal spending in order to justify providing this [emergency tornado] financial assistance to people in Missouri.

Jon Stewart: Right now elephants from a Missouri circus are helping clear heavy debris from the tornado. Which means, when it comes to helping Joplin, Missouri residents, actual elephants are more useful to them than the GOP.
—The Daily Show

“I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.”
—Jay Leno

“At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony.”
—David Letterman

“Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn’t have a title yet, Might I suggest a few? ‘How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,’ ‘A Dick for All Seasons,’ ‘Torture in the Rye’…”
—Craig Ferguson

“A man in Wisconsin ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating the first one. Then afterwards he ate a piece of broccoli and died.”
—Seth Meyers

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 9, 2023

Note: The only arms that you are permitted to keep and bear in C&J are limited to those that must be pulled by a team of horses or a locomotive.  Thank you for your cooperation, and please mind your step around Big Bertha in the parking lot.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til the Portland, Maine Pride parade and festival: 8

Days ’til the 67^th annual North Beach Festival in San Francisco: 8

Estimated percent by which border apprehensions have dropped since the end of the Title 42 Covid-era health policy: 70%

Amount GM is investing in two Flint, Michigan truck manufacturing plants: $1 billion

Months Chris Licht lasted as head of CNN until he was fired: 12

Maine state House vote to approve switching our official state flag from the blue “Dirigo” (I lead) one with a sailor and a farmer to the original 1901 flag with the a blue star and a green pine tree: 66-64

Speed at which the Andromeda galaxy is speeding toward our Milky Way, and yet never gets a speeding ticket because of “diplomatic immunity”: 100 to 140 kilometers a second.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

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JEERS to shooting yourself in the everywhere. I know you’re on pins and needles about what I think of the 37-count Trump indictment. I’m not up to speed on it yet, so I’ll save my opinion for Monday. But I will make this observation: the MAGA cult leader’s toxic brew of stupidity and narcissism has destroyed the stubborn perception that the Republican party is “strong on national security.” With the wagons being circled as tight as a drum, they are officially cool with storing classified secrets in bathrooms and ballrooms and letting any random eyeballs who pass by get a good look. We live in strange times.  

CHEERS to throwing the libs a bone. I don’t believe for a second that John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh didn’t want to join their four star-chamber orcs in heaving more of the Voting Rights Act overboard. But with the Supreme Court’s reputation in tatters, they decided they needed to show some semblance of sanity, so they joined the three liberals on the court to, for now, let elections be slightly fairer than they otherwise want. And tonight there are still some jaws on the floor over this:

The Supreme Court on Thursday struck down Republican-drawn congressional districts in Alabama that civil rights activists say discriminated against Black voters in a surprise reaffirmation of the landmark Voting Rights Act.

The court in a 5-4 vote ruled against Alabama, meaning the map of the seven congressional districts, which heavily favors Republicans, will now be redrawn. Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Brett Kavanaugh, both conservatives, joined the court’s three liberals in the majority.

In doing so, the court—which has a 6-3 conservative majority—turned away the state’s effort to make it harder to remedy concerns raised by civil rights advocates that the power of Black voters in states like Alabama is being diluted by dividing voters into districts where white voters dominate.

Alabama Republicans are flummoxed about what to do, but they’re formulating a plan on how to deal with the ruling. Step 1: find someone who can read it to them.

CHEERS to proud moments in American history.  One day, years from now, you’ll be bouncing your grandchild on your knee.  And that sweet little cherub will turn to you and say, “Why is June 9th a holiday?”  And you’ll look down into those sweet innocent eyes, pinch those pink puffy cheeks, and say, “That was the day in 2006 when Tom DeLay went to work in Congress for the very last time. And then you’ll go into the kitchen for ice cream and Oreos.  Because that’s the kind of awesome grandparent you are.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to that shining city on a hill surrounded by gaseous swampland. 230 years ago today, in 1793, Congress—back when it was functional—voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation’s capital.  Today the beltway politicians, lobbyists and pundits have so sullied the name of the place, and besmirched the memory of the person for whom it’s named (Ronald Reagan Washington, the Texas School Board history textbooks tell me), that we really should think about moving it again.  I offer up my usual candidates: Goober Hill, LA…Devil’s Den, CA…Cuckoo, VA…Crooks, SD…Rattlesnake Bend, FL…Mayday, GA…Oil Springs, KY…Petroleum, MT…Crappo, MD…Hell, MI…Money, MS…Loco, OK…and Idiotville, OR.  Completely out of the question, however: moving it to any town named Normal.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Look, you should be old enough by now to figure out what’s on your various screens this weekend. But, dang it, you’re just so adorable I’ll do for you again. Nothing much of note tonight, but the MSNBC hosts will be worth a look as they digest the day’s nuttiness, including the looming Trump indictments. Oh, and at 8 we’ll be live-tweeting the Star Trek (original series) classic time travel episode Tomorrow is Yesterday (H&I Network) via hashtag #allstartrek. And at 9 there’s a new nutty episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway on the CW. 

The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (another Transformers flick tops the list this weekend.)  The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup schedule is here (Vegas Golden Knights vs. Florida Book Banners), the WNBA schedule is here, and the NBA finals schedule is here. (Miami must be crushed!!!) Or you can catch the 155^th Belmont Stakes tomorrow. Two hours of coverage for the three-minute race starts at 5 on Fox Sports.

Sunday night at 8 ET (CBS) the Tony Awards will be handed out for excellence in over-emoting while reading memorized lines aloud—or as politicians call it, a day ending in y. (Full list of nominees is here.)  And then it’s off to bed with you, buster. Busy week ahead.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

This Week: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Lindsey Graham (The Cult-SC); Trump indictment panel with Dan Abrams, Preet Bharara, Asha Rangappa, and Elizabeth Neumann.

Face the Nation: Former Trump National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster; Gov. Doug Burgum (The Cult-ND) on his plans to suck up free publicity as a never-gonna-be-president presidential candidate; Gov. Chris Sununu (The Cult-NH). 

CNN’s State of the Union: MAGA presidential candidates seeking free publicity Vivek Ramaswamy and Gov. Asa Hutchinson; creepy pedophile-enabler Rep. Jim Jordan (The Cult-OH). 

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Trump’s lapdog attorney general Bill Barr; Trump’s attorney Alina Habba; Miami Mayor Francis Suarez (The Cult).  

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: June 9, 2013

CHEERS to the next full-time United States Senator from the Great State of New Jersey!!!  Ladies and gentlemen, join me in giving him a warm Helloooooo!!!  Newark Mayor Cory Booker made it official on Saturday.  But I must admit, I thought that making his announcement while simultaneously saving a kitten from a tree, a dog from a hot car, an old lady from a house fire, and Chris Christie from a porkchop was a bit much.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to hot Joe-on-Joe action. 69 years ago today, during the Army-McCarthy hearings, attorney Joseph Welch quietly destroyed bedraggled, belligerent Republican Senator Joseph McCarthy (and his little brat lawyer Roy Cohn, who would later be Donald Trump’s legal kneecapper) with the immortal words: “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?  Have you left no sense of decency?”

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Within a couple years McCarthy was dead of alcoholism, and today his grave is guarded by an emaciated demon vulture.  Birds of a feather.

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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